


Molly’s birthday (or which one of us has been screwed up the most by these two bastards?)

by Links



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Dialogue-Only, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Mofftiss bashing, Multi, Sherlock's women finally get what they deserve, Smut, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 21:54:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13420404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Links/pseuds/Links
Summary: It's Molly's birthday. The perfect occasion to chat a little bit, a give seriously embarrassing gifts (but are they really?) and to complain about what Mofftiss has been recently up to.!!WARNING!!Read the tags. Yes, it's cracky (my attempt at it anyway), it's sexy and it contains Mofftiss bashing.Don't ignore fandom's first golden rule then - Don't like it? Don't read it!





	Molly’s birthday (or which one of us has been screwed up the most by these two bastards?)

**Author's Note:**

> I've written this for celebrating my first year on Tumblr and it has been a lot of fun, writing about these women and getting things out of my chest. Quite fitting, nearly a year after this godawful S4.

_Molly’s flat – a bit cramped but nicely decorated. The living room especially gives off a cozy atmosphere, with its well-worn sofa covered with a soft plaid and a collection of glass jars containing each a different kind of sand. On each one you can see labels reading “France”, “Thailand” or “Spain”._

_Around the small coffee table, seven ladies are seated. Molly has the prime seat on the sofa – she’s pink-cheeked, her dark eyes are shining with joy. The perfect birthday girl. Next to her, Mrs Hudson is gently stirring milk into her tea. On Molly’s other side, Sally Donovan is nursing her scotch glass. In front of them, taking up the whole place, Mary Morstan is comfortably seated in the armchair. She’s heavily pregnant, her legs are spread out before her. Perched each on an arm of the second armchair, Irene and Anthea are both looking at their mobile. Finally, Janine is seated on a single chair, a bit apart from the others._

 

JANINE, breaking the silence and biting her lower lip

 Well, it has been nice to…

 

SALLY, cutting her off, not looking in Janine’s direction

So, shall we begin? No offense, Molls, but I didn’t go here just to wish you a happy birthday!

 

( _Mrs Hudson tsks reproachfully. Irene, not glancing away from her mobile, takes a pic of the the little group and posts it on Instagram, writing as caption – “And so it begins. #bitchplease”_

 _Anthea is the first to like it. Mary snorts, stroking her baby bump._ )

 

SALLY

Oi, don’t look at me like that, Hudders! I know you’re also waiting for…

 

MRS HUDSON, smirking at the DI

You have no idea what I’ve been waiting for, exactly.

 

( _Mary snorts a second time. Mrs Hudson glares at her before pursing her lips. She leans forward a little, rummaging about in her bag. She pulls out of it a large box wrapped in red, shiny paper with a large white bow on the top.)_

MRS HUDSON, giving it to Molly

Here you are, my dear. I hope you’ll enjoy it.... many, many times!

 

MOLLY, looking at her a bit puzzled but joyful nevertheless

… Right. So here we go!

 

( _She starts unwrapping her gift. The others are not really paying attention to it, except for Mrs Hudson. Sally is gulping down her glass while Mary starts dozing off. Janine is fidgeting in her chair.)_

JANINE, breaking the silence

I hear it’s going to rain…

 

MOLLY, suddenly blushing scarlet.

OH!

 

( _She goggles at Mrs Hudson, who shoots her a Mona Lisa smile. Unable to resist, Sally leans forward, frowning… before bursting out laughing.)_

 

SALLY

Hudders, you sly old fox!

 

MARY

What? What is it? Show it to us then!

 

( _Sally takes the package from Molly’s still hands. She fishes what’s inside out and puts it on the coffee table, next to the cake. It’s a giant purple dildo. On the base is written “happy birthday Molly!”. Irene glances down from her phone and titters. She seems to miss Anthea’s knowing look.)_

 

MRS HUDSON, eagerly talking

Do you like it, Molly dear? It was one of the largest in the collection! The nice man at the counter (not your type, dear, by the way) also offered me to customize it and I just couldn’t resist! Not every day you turn 36…

 

MOLLY, still blushing furiously

It’s very… large.

 

MRS HUDSON, sipping her tea

Well, yes. I’m afraid though it hasn’t been copied after Sherlock’s.

 

( _Molly chokes on thin air. Sally looks torn between amusement and disgust while Mary is pulling a face. Irene takes a pic, posts it on Instagram. Caption “Smaller or larger, then?” #sherlocksdildo. Anthea is the first to like it._ )

 

JANINE

Well, I don’t know for sure but from what I may have gathered...

 

SALLY, shaking her head

So from whose poor bastard’s did they copy it then?

 

MARY, giggling

I wouldn’t say he’s poor. Or lacking. Not like John.

 

( _She stops, looking taken aback by her own confession. Sally’s turn to snort while Irene tweets “No tyre lever in Doctor Watson’s pants after all”. Anthea is the first to retweet it.)_

 

MRS HUDSON, still sipping her tea

How can you be so sure?

 

MARY, glaring at her

Hello, pregnant woman here. Or did you not have the birds and bees talk when you were young?

 

_(Sally giggles, Molly is still staring at the dildo.)_

 

MRS HUDSON, ignoring Mary’s last sentence

Doesn’t mean you got to see _much_ of it. Could have just been a wham bang, thank you mam thing.

 

MARY, leaning forward, hands twitching at her sides

What are you implying, exactly? That my sex life with John wasn’t satisfactory?

 

MRS HUDSON

You said it, not me. Although you weren’t exactly glowing when you came up at 221b in the morning… if you see what I mean.

 

( _Janine giggles, Irene can’t resist adding a smiley “:D” to her last tweet. Anthea retweets it. Mary casts a murderous look at Mrs Hudson.)_

 

MARY, growling

I’m going to show you exactly…

 

SALLY, raising her hands

Wow, wow, none of that ladies! Remember why we’re all here, apart from celebrating Molly’s birthday?

 

MOLLY

For offering me giant purple dildos?

 

_(Mrs Hudson smiles, reaches out, gently pats Molly’s knee.)_

 

MRS HUDSON, in a soothing voice

There, there, you’re going to be all right.

 

_(She stills her hand, but doesn’t take it off Molly’s knee.)_

 

SALLY, impatient

No, not for that. This one is the only one you’re going to see for the whole evening, I think. No, if we’re all here tonight, it’s for a common purpose, remember?

 

( _She looks around. Nobody bats an eye, apart from Janine, who has resumed fidgeting in her chair.)_

 

JANINE

For talking about my night with… ?

 

SALLY, exasperated

For judging once and for all which one of us has been screwed up the most by these bastards! And yes, I’m talking about Mofftiss duo. Tweet that, Irene.

 

( _Irene raises an impeccably plucked eyebrow. Gives a haughty sniff. She doesn’t post anything. Anthea looks at her with adoration.)_

 

MARY, yawning

Did they really? I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re not always on top of things, but once you get to know them, they’re decent chaps.

 

SALLY, rolling her eyes

Oh really? I guess I should be thankful then for the slut-shaming jokes. My knees have yet to recover. Or the fact I behave like an old harpy most of the time.

 

MOLLY, whispering

I wouldn’t have minded so much if I wasn’t always described as a young, gullible little thing.

 

_(Mrs Hudson smiles at her. Gently strokes Molly’s knee.)_

 

MRS HUDSON, whispering to Molly

You’re truly not, my dear. (Talking louder.) As for myself…

 

MARY

Oh noes, what terrible fate have you endured then, Hudders? The fact you drove a Lamborghini…

 

MRS HUDSON

An Aston Martin. Do your research. (Letting out a loud and fake gasp.) Oh but I forgot. You were dead at the moment, weren’t you?

 

MARY, frowning

What the fuck are you talking about?

 

MRS HUDSON, truly startled this time

Denial runs deep. You even forgot your own death.

 

MARY, absentmindedly patting her belly

I’m NOT dead. How can you say such a thing in front of the… ?

 

_(She suddenly stops. Feeling her bump, pressing on it a bit. She frowns.)_

 

MARY, frowning

What the fuck…?

 

( _Everybody is looking at her. Even Irene and Anthea look up from their phones. They all see Mary rolling up her sweater first, then her T-shirt.)_

 

MARY, loudly swearing

Oh My God. Oh My Fucking God, what is this… ?

 

( _She tears down the thing which was wrapped around her. It’s a fake pregnant belly. Mary is looking at it, truly aghast before flinging it away. It flops down on the floor with a soft sound.)_

 

MRS HUDSON, breaking the silence

These “decent chaps” have really done a number on you, as my former husband would have said.

 

SALLY

They’ve done a number on all of us! Look what we have been promised…

 

MARY, wailing

My supervillain role!

 

MRS HUDSON, whispering

They’ve already played that card. I could have told you.

 

SALLY

And what we all got in the end! Isn’t it enough? Between the false love declarations…

 

_(Molly blushes, looks down at her feet. Mrs Hudson squeezes her knee.)_

 

SALLY

The “I’m going down on my knees for Anderson” thing…

 

MARY

You won’t drop it, will you?

 

SALLY

Have you _seen_ this guy? Hell, no!!!

 

MARY

Fair point.

 

SALLY

Or the fact that you (She points Mary out) dies a supposedly a heroic death protecting the man you nearly destroyed twice…

 

MRS HUDSON

Who is happily being fucked by John Watson right now.

 

MARY, open-mouthed

… What?

 

SALLY

… WHAT?

 

JANINE, frowning

… What? But we spent the night…

 

( _Irene logs immediately on Tumblr, posting quickly “Posh boy finally got deflowered!!!”. Anthea is the first to reblog with the appropriate porny gif.)_

 

MRS HUDSON, looking up at the others in faux-innocence

Oh. So sorry, really, I didn’t intend to let it slip…

 

MOLLY, glancing at her with a little smile

You did.

 

_(Mrs Hudson opens her mouth to protest, but Molly puts her hand on hers, still on her knee.)_

 

MRS HUDSON, whispering

Yeah. I did. (Glancing at the others and speaking louder) Don’t you see what Sherlock and John have done? They broke the mould in which they’ve been cast by these bastards. And they’ve never been happier. So, why don’t we do the same, ladies? Spreading our wings, setting fire to everything we’ve been told, living a little…

 

MARY

Hell, yeah, Hudders!

 

( _She pulls a gun out of her holster.)_

 

Come on, baby, it’s you and me together! I’ll never leave you behind once again…

 

SALLY, licking her lips

Hey. You game for a shooting contest?

 

 

MARY, looking at her, silently considering before smirking

Maybe. What do you have in mind?

 

SALLY

Come with me, gorgeous, and you’ll know.

 

_(They leave the room.)_

 

_(Anthea glances at Irene before throwing aside her mobile. She comes closer to her, raising her hand to stroke the soft skin of her neck. Irene doesn’t react at first. She finally closes her eyes and lets out a moan as Anthea’s hand drops lower, softly fondling the swell of Irene’s right breast.)_

 

ANTHEA

Moan for me, Irene. And I promise somebody will _truly_ listen to you this time.

 

( _Irene looks up at her, mouth parted. Anthea leans down. They kiss softly at first, then more passionately. Lips crashing, tongues dancing. Anthea slips her hand under Irene’s blouse, creasing the fabric. They kiss and kiss and when they finally pull back, they’re panting, lips swollen and red.)_

 

ANTHEA

We’re way more than just reminders of the heroes’ heterosexuality. We're people in our own right. (She bites down on Irene’s earlobe). Will you let me make love to you?

 

IRENE

All night… if you’re not afraid of a threesome.

 

ANTHEA

I’m not afraid of anything when I’m with you.

 

_(They leave the room)_

 

MOLLY, flushed, clearing her throat

It was quite the show.

 

MRS HUDSON

Oh please. I’ve seen far worse – or way better. Depends on which way you’re considering it.

 

MOLLY, still flushed but meeting Mrs Hudson’s eye

 

Mrs… I mean, Martha… Hum, that’s your name, isn’t it?

 

MARTHA, looking delightfully surprised

Yes, of course.

 

MOLLY, blushing

That’s the first time that someone has offered me… this (She waves at the giant purple dildo.) You wouldn’t know by chance how to… I mean… ?

 

MARTHA, taking pity on her

How to use it?

 

MOLLY

Yeah.

 

MARTHA

Depends. Would you like a hands-on demonstration?

 

_(Molly looks at her. Then smiles.)_

 

MOLLY

I thought you would never ask.

 

_(They leave the room with the giant purple dildo in hand.)_

 

JANINE, looking around her

Hum… Is anybody still here?

 

( _One wall of Molly’s flat suddenly turns see-through. Janine gasps. On the other side stands a woman. Tall, slender, dark curly hair and a wicked smile on her lips. She sets foot in the living room.)_

 

EURUS

Hello. I’m Eurus Holmes. You may not have heard of me.

 

JANINE, wide-eyed

Another one?

 

EURUS, coming closer

Yes. The best one, if I may be so bold. But maybe you would like to compare by yourself?

 

_(Janine examines her, then gets up. She takes Eurus’ hand in hers.)_

 

JANINE

Yes. I would like that very much.

 

_(They leave the room.)_

 


End file.
